Everything has been so wrong lately. Very wrong. Something just happened just now and I felt as if was being pushed from a 100 storey building. I dun want to talk abt it.
Ive been emoptional lately because my period is coming and dat I see myself being affected in many ways. Dun try to talk me out because none of u undastan. U were never in my position. Mebe a little bit but I doubt u have gone thru wad I went thru. The only persion whom I feel undastans me now is kak mady and I dun even have a fucking clue abt where she is. I am sorry dat I figured u boy. truth is I am a woman of high ego. I hope you’re happy now. U are living in denial. Nobone is a direct replica of mine. Trust me. No one. U r a beast and I shall stop cursing u already because I am just human. I am no god to decide wad you shall suffer as the consequences. I believe that god is fair and that somebody will make me the happiest woman in this planaet earth.to say that I am not affected by this is a total lie. I am somehow affected. However, I wont keep walking with my head down now. I aint looking down boy. ferox ever told me this after we had a tiff. “be strong and walk up high. No matter wad they do to you. Just dun look down.i noe u have been thru it and I noe its hard.but remember,there are others who have gone thru worst. Look at the bright side. I have so many friends now. Why a gay when u’r handsome? Why a lesbian when u’r preety? My fren who was raped says she has freedom now that she has lost her virginity. U r not the worst case. I gtg now. I hope there wont be any offense” and I being the ego-woman blocked him after that. U may want to read those words in depth. There more underlying meaning in it. If ur smart u’ll figure it out. That is how I gain my ego my “look-up-and-dun-ever-look-down” attitude. My “walking-with –my head up-high-being”
So there. Witho ut u, yes, I am lonely. I have many friends around me but still I am lonely. Because u noe y? because nothing beats the pleasure feeling of being someones girlfriend. Being loved by. A kiss on the forehead, a peck on the lips, the huggings in the cinema. The “kite challenge sape pekik dulu” whien watching scary movies. The “I gigit adik u sampai mandol baru tau!” the “I pok pantat u!” the “nana , dar miss u” the “I think the two of us can make a beautiful daughter” the “I nak anta u balik. Umi suro I anta u balaiki. The “I bli moto le lambat, tapi u perm, rambot I nk asap.” The “ u badan I sakit. Urot kan” the “u buat kan I mee goring” the “u I demam u.umi takde.” The “eeeeeee nana buncit” the “my nana mcm bantal that I can hug wherever I go” the “untong tau I lau dapat bini mcm u. pandai u jage I” the “I bangge dapat mataey mcm u. kwn2 I sume puji u pandai jage I, anta I mkn.” The “I am so sorry. I am such a bad boyfriend. I dun deserve you. u deserve better and I deserve nobody”
U get wad I mean babe? No I doubt so. Because u noe y? because u ppl have boyfriends. Whom I think u take forgranted at. Whom you say “kan bagos lau aku single. Le gatal ngn lain laki” wait till ur boyfriend leave u. then u will lokk bvack cryinmg. For the people who thinks “kan bagos lau aku single. Le gatal ngn lain laki”, I seriously wish that one day ur mr boyfriend will leave u. wake up wake up! U will never realise something, never, until u’ve lost it.
For shereen, let the bird fly dear. Let it fly. It will come back to u if it is really meant for u. if not, then its just to bad. U deserve better and he deserves noone.
For now people, I shall “study study study” because my prelims results mcm sial. And after o’s I will glam myself for abg bois wedding, which, after that I will take up some silat cappoiera and mebe dance classes. I want to meet up with more people and widen my circle of frens. I want to jog and shed all these fats. I will get to noe more gays because with them, I am more happy and the happiest that I can get. With them I can let loose and let every strand of my hair down. With them, u dun have to worry if u’r preety or not. If u’r gaining weight or not, if ur stomach is realy showing. Because, they like u for u..no worries. I want to meet more people like feroz. Whom I really look up to. Who has a vision in life and work for what they want. His stubborn-ness is an exception. I want to make more platonic relationships. Because seriopusly. I want to be rich, work hard, study hard, lepak hard, play hard. I want to earn lotsa bucks. And when I do, I don’t awnt to get married because I think that I need no man to takle care of me because I earn a lot and I dun have to think abt “wad if my husband has another woman” I will live life to the fullest go swimming everyday and live like a tai2. but I dun want to be a laxy tai2. this is unless ok. Unless. I am tooo horny that I have to have to get married.if u nope wad I mean.
I went to swim yesterdae. I realy had to. I was so stressed up that when I went into the pool, I felt like my stress level has gone done and that my problems had “diluted” haha bedek siak. I swam like 2 hours , swam like 40 times to and from short distance. And it was pleasure, bliss. Heaven. I am not ashamed to say that I only learnt swimming like this year. I idnt noe how to swim back then. And I learnt real hard. And I can see the results. Poof. Magic. Its determination. I was determined to learn hoe to swim because I see my two younger sisters swimming “gracefully” so yeah I was being laughed at by them this and that. And see what now. So my prelims. Im just gonna do the same. Determined to do well in o levels, shopw that “teran2 taik tak klua2” look before seating fopr the paper.
Now I shall calm myself down, get ready for puasa, stop my vulgarities and do more praying. Pray for everything asked for everything and I hope to be able to fast the lasty 10 days of ranmadhan. I want to keja lailatul qadar.
“Kalau kau pandai jage laki, laki takkan lari”
- mommey
posted by what i love about myself - total honesty at 5:01 PM