Sunday, July 29, 2007
At times i'm glad that i don't have a boyfriend? No fights and no expensive phone bills. However that I must be lying if i say i don't have the desire to have one. To think about it, i do feel empty at times. Lonely most times. You know there are things which you won't tell the babes, no matter how close or intimate you guys are. It sure feels good to have someone next to you at most times doesn't it. I want to get hitched one day... But i can't seem to get over the fear. The fear of commitment. It's not as if i plan to get anytime soon or anything like that. But at the rate that i'm going? I wonder when will i learn and get over it. You know they say there's a first time to everything and that every breakup is a new step to Mr Right? But what if you're afraid, so so afraid to trust, to expose yourself, to let someone discover the inner you. Your true being. To study you, your thoughts, the way you behave. how you walk, your little-tiny-weeny quirks. The perfume- your scent, how you eat. or even how you always match your bra with your panties/boxers. How? And in my dictionary, it's like intruding my inner self. I guess i am so used to secrecy. I am that selfish. I think Monah thought she knew me after almost a decade? But i feel that she's doubting it now because of what I told her on Friday afternoon?

I envy them. People who are happily in love. I wonder where they pick up the courage of not fearing. Not fearing of taking chances.Helluva risk takersthey are. The fear to love and bound-to-be-broken hearts. Trust, Understanding, Sharing. I wonder how and from where. How did they manage? Is it something, of all things my Mom has somehow forgot to inculcate in me? It can't be. When i sit down and talk to her about marriage, my fears of commitment, she simply said, marriage is at times, seen as gambling.You can't foresee the future. Did she have the same fear as i do now? She can't be wrong can she? Because i have seen how people say i love you today, and wake up from bed the next day, saying no. How husbands love their wives so deeply but somehow "love" another. How engagements were called off. And get this. How would you feel if your husband who sleeps in the same bed, next to you fantasizes about other women? I've seen many cases like these and somehow i think it has contributed to my severe trust issues.

I guess i am just not willing to start over, going through the whole process of getting to know each other, sacrifices after sacrifices, only to be broken, Again. I guess this is my greatest fear, Greater than my fear of heights.

And this fear of mine, makes me feel... small... And cowardy.

For having thought about this, i am being Love's fool. Because Stupid is again, Cupid's younger brother.

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posted by what i love about myself - total honesty at 2:16 AM |

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