my mind is in distraught. I don't know where to begin. In this wee hours, while everyone is asleep, i only have you to tell, Naila.

2008 hasn't a great start for the year. I feel like i'm on a rewind mode, 11 years ago. It is simply F up. Everything is going down the drain. Most things. I have even seen the marriages of my acquaintances crumbling. A few finalized at the start of 2008. For all these while i have been hiding my past. Put them to store and don't wish to think of them anymore. But now i've realized that my past is raking up slowly to me for god knows why.

Thing is, i have learnt a lot from the black past. They make me who i am now. And i am proud to become who i have become. If others don't, i certainly feel that i have changed for the better. Unfortunately, there are some, sitting on the fence. Bad boy in the making. Here i am trying to be someone new, there you are becoming someone you despise. You told us this and that. You don't practice what you preach. As i've told you. i don't feel good doing this. I hate myself for doing this. Because i't's not right. Because you're supposedly the wiser one. And the only one wearin the trousers here. I forgot to tell you how dissapointed i am in you. "aku malu ade anak macam kau, kau bukan anak aku." Familiar old man? Etched in my memory, i never forget those hurtful words you've said to me. Do you know what vtrouble i took to not "malukan" you further? How i conform myself to the epitome of a great daughter? How i always think of you and your stinging words that haunts me like a nightmare each and everytime? The same words that i keep hearing whenever i do something bad and i'd go "No, this would jeapordise my family's name" You don't know that don't know that don't you? You don't know how far those words took me. You don't know how much i starve and crave. Save every little cents when i was in secondary school huh? Unlike my other friends, i don't ask myself whether i'm hungry and i should eat. Instead, i ask if i would have enough money for the textbook, for the ten year series for the calculator that i lost. You don't know the pains i went through, with work and studies, even up till now. Just to heed your "kau bukan anak aku, aku malu ade anak mcm kau". Does it ever occur to you that those words you say to a primary one child would have a great impact to her and her life in the long run? Does it ever occur to you that the words you say will seap through the mind of this primary one child, and will, at some point of time believe in those words you've said out of anger?

So now you know, that behind this beauty masquerade i've created myself ever since that day, i actually can cry. We can cry.

Don't tell me what you've done and don't say i'm not grateful. Because seriously, i am truly grateful for what you've done thus far. Like sucking on my mucus when i was a baby and had blocking nose to the laptop that now i am using, i am grateful. But ask yourself what have you not done. Because as you said, peope make mistakes. And only by asking ourselves then we know what we do wrong or what we must do.

I am sorry if what i have said to you was too much. I know it is harsh. For once in my 18 years, i don't mince my words to you. I, seemingly the wise one in this house among the four totally did shut you up. You fell quiet till now. The words you said, all those preaching is slammed back right on your face. It's not rude. But it's time to wake up. You're sleeping alone there. I am utterly disappointed. Who could have known? Once a happy family. understatement. We only look happy.

So what now? i can't do forgive and forget. It's not my forte. God knows how long it took me to forgive your past. Forget? I never. Hell, this is gonna take more donkey ears for me to do so i bet.

You know what's the only thing i like about this? I like seeing you feel small in front of me. Small like a child in front of us. Stuttering your words like that, perhaps trying to think of the best of the best excuse you can think of. Perhaps hoping it would shut me up. But i did it otherwise. I shut you up instead didn't i? I also forgot to mimick your pet phrase. Remember how you used o teach me math and went "DON'T MUMBLE THE ANSWERS!!!!" Familiar? all back to you. I like to see you stupid like that. It proves my premonition that i've been having all this while. Choosing your friends wisely? Huh?

You told us not to have big expensive marriage celebration under the blog huh dad? Waste of money.

Good news, old man. I doubt i will ever get married. You can have your money for safekeep.

From this moment on, you and i, we are just gonna remain civil towards each other okay? Daddy ONLY by name.